The #1 Most Common Conversational Pitfall

00:00     all right welcome to my video series I’m
00:03     really excited to start doing this we
00:05     are going to be talking today about the
00:07     most single most common pitfall in all
00:13     of communications it sounds to me like
00:16     that’s pretty bold claim but I really
00:18     think it is and and what that is is
00:20     telling telling other people when we’re
00:23     talking to them what is happening inside
00:25     of them that might look like us saying
00:29     to somebody stop feeling sorry for
00:31     yourself or if you really loved me or if
00:35     I were really important to me if I were
00:37     really important to you then you would
00:39     behave this way or you don’t really care
00:43     about other people you just care about
00:44     yourself or your work or your job or
00:46     cars whatever it is these are all
00:49     examples of us telling somebody else
00:52     what’s going on inside of them what’s
00:55     happening in their world when that
01:01     happens to us there’s something inside
01:03     of us that that goes on defensive it it
01:08     might attack back well if you weren’t so
01:11     Beauvoir then you would or yeah we might
01:15     come up with counter examples I became
01:17     home on time yesterday in Exeter we
01:22     might actually even go into collapse oh
01:23     my god you’re so right I’m a terrible
01:24     person but that’s not really agreeing
01:27     with them what what we don’t tend to do
01:29     when somebody tells us what’s happening
01:32     for us inside of us is we don’t tend to
01:36     say you know what you’re right you might
01:41     be right I might not actually care about
01:42     other people I’ve never really noticed
01:43     that before
01:44     we don’t do that unfortunately
01:48     conversations just don’t go that way
01:50     so if if this doesn’t work if this
01:52     approach of telling people what what
01:54     they’re doing and what’s happening for
01:56     them if that doesn’t work why do we do
01:58     it the biggest reason is because it’s
02:02     easier frankly it’s easier for us to
02:05     have that conversation it’s easier for
02:07     us to say if you cared about me
02:12     then you would come from from work on
02:13     time it’s easier to say that than to say
02:16     when you come home late
02:18     I feel unloved I don’t want to have that
02:23     conversation that that’s a hard
02:25     conversation for me to have that’s it’s
02:27     vulnerable it’s scary and because I
02:30     don’t want to have that conversation I
02:31     turn it around and I make it about them
02:34     and everything is about them and if you
02:36     love to be more if I were important to
02:38     you and you should stop feeling sorry
02:41     for yourself that kind of thing so now
02:45     we know that it doesn’t work and why we
02:47     do it what do we do about it how do we
02:49     stop doing that well that’s what this
02:51     whole video series is about this is
02:54     gonna be several videos posted once a
02:56     week or so about communication skills
03:00     how do you have how to have that kind of
03:03     kind of conversation with more skill and
03:06     less blaming how to be equally as honest
03:09     as we’ve always been with people but not
03:12     putting them on the defensive
03:15     maybe communications techniques and
03:18     tools tips and tricks all those T words
03:22     there will be some emotional awareness
03:26     guidance maybe so a lot of people that
03:29     have I was like this a lot of people
03:32     that have a lot of trouble feeling
03:34     anything at all needs some help feeling
03:36     what’s going on for them emotionally a
03:38     lot of people that have no trouble with
03:41     that that are very emotional and have a
03:43     lot of good access they’re often get
03:46     controlled by that side of them and they
03:48     don’t need to learn what’s going on they
03:50     need to learn how to how to manage it
03:52     and so there’s some some tools that you
03:54     can do to to manage that and and have
03:56     all of these conversations with your
03:58     loved ones with co-workers with
04:01     colleagues with friends have those
04:04     conversations with a lot more mastery
04:06     and skill and have all of your
04:08     relationships just be a little easier a
04:12     little more up leveled and honestly to
04:16     create more freedom in that
04:17     experience so check out the website I’ve
04:20     got more information about what we’ll be
04:22     doing and about myself I’ll be posting
04:25     these about once a week and I’ll be
04:27     announcing them on email so please sign
04:29     up for the email list on the website
04:31     thank you so much for coming