The #1 Most Common Conversational Pitfall

What is the biggest pitfall in all communication? Why do we do it and why doesn't it work? And how do we avoid it?
Transcription (auto-generated)

00:00     all right welcome to my video series I’m
00:03     really excited to start doing this we
00:05     are going to be talking today about the
00:07     most single most common pitfall in all
00:13     of communications it sounds to me like
00:16     that’s pretty bold claim but I really
00:18     think it is and and what that is is
00:20     telling telling other people when we’re
00:23     talking to them what is happening inside
00:25     of them that might look like us saying
00:29     to somebody stop feeling sorry for
00:31     yourself or if you really loved me or if
00:35     I were really important to me if I were
00:37     really important to you then you would
00:39     behave this way or you don’t really care
00:43     about other people you just care about
00:44     yourself or your work or your job or
00:46     cars whatever it is these are all
00:49     examples of us telling somebody else
00:52     what’s going on inside of them what’s
00:55     happening in their world when that
01:01     happens to us there’s something inside
01:03     of us that that goes on defensive it it
01:08     might attack back well if you weren’t so
01:11     Beauvoir then you would or yeah we might
01:15     come up with counter examples I became
01:17     home on time yesterday in Exeter we
01:22     might actually even go into collapse oh
01:23     my god you’re so right I’m a terrible
01:24     person but that’s not really agreeing
01:27     with them what what we don’t tend to do
01:29     when somebody tells us what’s happening
01:32     for us inside of us is we don’t tend to
01:36     say you know what you’re right you might
01:41     be right I might not actually care about
01:42     other people I’ve never really noticed
01:43     that before
01:44     we don’t do that unfortunately
01:48     conversations just don’t go that way
01:50     so if if this doesn’t work if this
01:52     approach of telling people what what
01:54     they’re doing and what’s happening for
01:56     them if that doesn’t work why do we do
01:58     it the biggest reason is because it’s
02:02     easier frankly it’s easier for us to
02:05     have that conversation it’s easier for
02:07     us to say if you cared about me
02:12     then you would come from from work on
02:13     time it’s easier to say that than to say
02:16     when you come home late
02:18     I feel unloved I don’t want to have that
02:23     conversation that that’s a hard
02:25     conversation for me to have that’s it’s
02:27     vulnerable it’s scary and because I
02:30     don’t want to have that conversation I
02:31     turn it around and I make it about them
02:34     and everything is about them and if you
02:36     love to be more if I were important to
02:38     you and you should stop feeling sorry
02:41     for yourself that kind of thing so now
02:45     we know that it doesn’t work and why we
02:47     do it what do we do about it how do we
02:49     stop doing that well that’s what this
02:51     whole video series is about this is
02:54     gonna be several videos posted once a
02:56     week or so about communication skills
03:00     how do you have how to have that kind of
03:03     kind of conversation with more skill and
03:06     less blaming how to be equally as honest
03:09     as we’ve always been with people but not
03:12     putting them on the defensive
03:15     maybe communications techniques and
03:18     tools tips and tricks all those T words
03:22     there will be some emotional awareness
03:26     guidance maybe so a lot of people that
03:29     have I was like this a lot of people
03:32     that have a lot of trouble feeling
03:34     anything at all needs some help feeling
03:36     what’s going on for them emotionally a
03:38     lot of people that have no trouble with
03:41     that that are very emotional and have a
03:43     lot of good access they’re often get
03:46     controlled by that side of them and they
03:48     don’t need to learn what’s going on they
03:50     need to learn how to how to manage it
03:52     and so there’s some some tools that you
03:54     can do to to manage that and and have
03:56     all of these conversations with your
03:58     loved ones with co-workers with
04:01     colleagues with friends have those
04:04     conversations with a lot more mastery
04:06     and skill and have all of your
04:08     relationships just be a little easier a
04:12     little more up leveled and honestly to
04:16     create more freedom in that
04:17     experience so check out the website I’ve
04:20     got more information about what we’ll be
04:22     doing and about myself I’ll be posting
04:25     these about once a week and I’ll be
04:27     announcing them on email so please sign
04:29     up for the email list on the website
04:31     thank you so much for coming

What is the most commit pitfall in all of communications? Trying to tell people what they are feeling and thinking; telling them what is happening inside of them. No one is the authority on our own inner world but us, and when people claim to know what is happening for us, we tend to get defensive. This video discusses some examples of what this usually looks like, why we do it, why it doesn’t work, and what this whole video project is all about.

1 comment

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  • Hi friend- I really liked this one it gave me lots of information- looking forward to the next

Tim has been practicing and teaching interpersonal relations and communications skills since 2006. He leads the esteemed Boulder T-Group community and has taught circling and relational leadership for the Integral Center and C4 Institute.


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