The Art Of The Reveal

Transcription (auto-generated)
00:04     if you and I were out during the break
00:07     talking and I said to you hey how much
00:10     money do you make who would be eager to
00:13     tell me about that like four people okay
00:18     cool
00:18     if I said instead hey I’m really curious
00:21     about you how much money do you make not
00:27     really much more what if I had said hey
00:31     I’ve got this energy healing practice
00:33     and it’s going really well and I’ve got
00:35     some great clients and they really like
00:36     the results and funny thing is I’m not
00:39     I’m not seem to be making the kind of
00:41     money I’m wanting to to like support a
00:43     life not really be able to charge the
00:46     for whatever reason the rates I think
00:48     that that I should be charging and I
00:50     don’t really know why I’ve got this
00:51     money thing going on like it’s been
00:54     around for a long time I almost didn’t
00:55     go to college because my mom didn’t want
00:57     to fill out the financial aid paperwork
00:59     like that’s that’s none of their
01:02     business we nobody needs to know about
01:04     that sort of thing so I’ve always had
01:05     this this money thing up and I’m hoping
01:07     to if I can like bring it up in
01:10     conversation and have a little openness
01:14     around it maybe have some financial
01:15     conversations it might sort of have less
01:20     of a grip on me
01:21     do you mind if I ask you how much money
01:23     do you make how many be willing to tell
01:26     me at that point almost everybody that’s
01:32     super interesting to me like why is that
01:35     this is for me it seems clear that
01:38     revealing my experience somehow has an
01:42     effect on what you guys are all willing
01:43     to share so we’re gonna talk about
01:48     revealing and part of the part of the
01:51     conversation for me in revealing is is
01:55     around agendas and so I want to start by
01:57     talking about agendas right
02:00     yeah they’re not always that bad but
02:03     here’s here’s here’s the worst kept
02:06     secret of all time you ready
02:08     we all have agendas all of the time and
02:12     we all know about it like you have
02:16     agendas your agenda in being here is to
02:18     learn about relational leadership my
02:21     agenda being here is to talk about how
02:24     wonderful revealing is and how important
02:26     I think it is and and and those are fine
02:28     no problem
02:29     we have less obvious agendas like it’s
02:33     my agenda in being here to feel good
02:36     about myself
02:37     it’s my agenda in being here to to
02:41     justify calling myself a relational
02:43     leader in front of my community so we
02:46     all have agendas here’s like big worst
02:51     kept secret number two we don’t always
02:54     reveal our agendas and we all know that
02:58     like who’s surprised by that we all have
03:01     agendas and we all we don’t always
03:03     reveal them nobody we always have
03:07     agendas we never we never reveal them
03:09     and everybody knows that that’s the case
03:11     and so we’re always sort of on the
03:14     lookout for them I’ll tell you a story
03:18     about I was in I was in high school and
03:21     I want to ask this go to the prom That’s
03:24     not me
03:26     she was super cute and friendly and she
03:29     was smart and she was funny and she
03:32     would talk to me and and I wanna ask you
03:35     a problem is great and and I was really
03:38     scared she didn’t we’d never kind of
03:39     date or anything she didn’t know I liked
03:41     her I didn’t know she liked me boy the
03:43     whole high school thing and so I’m like
03:46     okay I got I got it I got a letter I
03:47     gotta say I gotta tell her that I like
03:49     her we gotta have this conversation and
03:51     I was going through the whole thing in
03:53     my mind and it looked something like
03:54     this I was gonna sit her down and I was
03:55     gonna say to her what do you think of me
04:00     yeah fortunately I chickened out instead
04:05     of doing that and and and and that
04:07     didn’t happen but it was so obvious that
04:09     I had an agenda there even though I was
04:12     asking about her experience like
04:14     nominally what do you think of me that’s
04:16     her experience but my agenda was way the
04:19     biggest thing in the room whenever we’re
04:23     out talking to people when we say
04:25     something like I want to know about you
04:28     the first reaction is going to be why
04:30     like what’s your agenda we’re not sort
04:34     of out in the street authentically
04:36     relating to everybody because we have we
04:39     have this this implicit agreement this
04:42     agreement among everybody it goes like
04:44     this I have an agenda and you have an
04:46     agenda and let’s not talk about it and
04:48     let’s just figure out sort of subtly
04:51     what these agendas are before we open
04:53     ourselves up at all the way we get
04:57     around this in our authentic relating
04:59     communities and practices is because we
05:01     have a different agreement we have an
05:03     agreement we step into the room and we
05:05     have an agreement of let’s drop our
05:08     defenses let’s sort of let’s open up our
05:11     maybe maybe not so much reveal our
05:13     agendas maybe but let’s kind of drop our
05:16     guard for a little while and and see
05:19     what happens and we’ve all been here
05:22     like magic happens that’s why we’re all
05:23     here it is beautiful he had a good thing
05:26     happens when we have this agreement to
05:28     do something different but we can’t just
05:30     go out into the world and say to random
05:34     person on the street or even maybe my
05:36     family
05:37     hey let’s let’s let’s
05:39     you and I make a different agreement
05:40     here and drop our guards and we’ll share
05:42     deep stuff it was like what no what are
05:46     you talking about but here’s here’s
05:49     here’s like the whole key of the talk is
05:51     if you do it first you can invite other
05:56     people into that if you can’t see this
06:00     in the back there’s a couple stick
06:01     figures saying hey if you show me yours
06:04     I’ll show you mine the other ones like
06:06     okay and you open it up and like the
06:10     hearts are revealed and this really
06:11     happens if we reveal ourselves first we
06:15     invite the people with us
06:17     to reveal themselves to if we move into
06:20     an authentic position first we invite
06:24     others to go into that authentic place
06:25     as well this works really well in
06:29     relationships I have I have this
06:32     agreement with my girlfriend that we can
06:34     ask each other for a reveal if she it
06:39     might look like this if she comes to me
06:41     and says hey that conference that you
06:44     wanted to go to next week do you really
06:46     think that’s the best way to spend your
06:48     money yeah like I feel as soon as I hear
06:53     that I feel trapped and I’m about to
06:55     start defending myself about this is my
06:56     money not yours and and and and when I
07:00     for me the the little hook the trigger
07:02     is if I feel trapped from a conversation
07:06     I asked her for a reveal like hey what’s
07:09     the reveal what’s what’s kind of kind of
07:11     saying what’s your agenda but I’ll ask
07:13     her to reveal what’s going on for her
07:15     and she’s bought into this agreement and
07:17     she’s got the integrity to do it she’s
07:19     great
07:19     she’ll think about it and say we haven’t
07:23     spent a lot of time with each other
07:25     lately and I’m feeling lonely and I
07:28     don’t want you to go to this conference
07:29     and and and that changes the
07:33     conversation that changes the
07:35     conversation from from the money
07:37     conversation let’s be honest the money
07:39     fight that was about to happen there
07:40     into the thing that was really alive
07:43     because the money thing was never really
07:44     live it changes the conversation into
07:46     what’s really there this can change
07:49     relationships like I don’t know how many
07:51     fights we’ve not
07:53     because we’ve we have this agreement
07:55     which isn’t anything special it’s not
07:57     training its tell me what you’re feeling
08:00     we’re really so if there were in art too
08:06     revealing in my world this is what it
08:09     would look like and we’re doing a
08:11     breakout group on T group in a little
08:14     while which is where I learned all of
08:15     this stuff first thing is making about
08:20     you there’s a there’s when when we say
08:24     let’s reveal there’s this there’s this
08:27     idea of hey I want to I’m gonna just
08:29     shout out everything like I’m just
08:31     revealing my truth to you you’ve been a
08:33     terrible wife this isn’t really the
08:36     place for projecting for like vomiting
08:41     all over somebody make it about you if
08:43     you talk about yourself people will
08:46     listen if you talk about them they get
08:50     defensive so make it about you second
08:53     thing is reveal first this is this can
08:57     be scary
08:57     this can be vulnerable this can be risky
09:01     nobody really wants to expose themselves
09:04     without any sort of assurance that
09:06     they’re not going to get hurt in the
09:07     process of it but somebody has to go
09:11     first it may as well be us like we’re
09:14     the relational leaders here the were the
09:16     people in the community that we’ve done
09:18     a lot of work on ourselves we’ve done
09:20     the process and the growth work we can
09:22     handle our triggers we know how to how
09:25     to deal with our wounds when they come
09:26     up we should be the ones to be revealing
09:28     first this is this is how we change the
09:32     context from a context of let’s sort of
09:36     be wary of each other’s agendas into I’m
09:39     gonna reveal first I’m gonna do
09:40     something different and I hope unique
09:42     and I’m gonna invite you into it
09:45     we all have agendas anyway we may as
09:48     well reveal ours be honest about it the
09:51     last thing is revealed deeply a lot of
09:55     times encircling people say things like
09:58     oh I’m really curious about that oh I’m
10:00     really interested in that and that’s
10:01     sort of a superficial level reveal like
10:04     when I asked you guys
10:06     when I said it but I’m really curious
10:09     how much money do you make
10:11     didn’t really help there is this is one
10:15     of the best lessons I’ve learned from T
10:18     group is is there’s something underneath
10:22     my superficial reveal that has me really
10:25     wanting to ask the thing if there’s you
10:28     know why am i curious what inside me is
10:31     going on that has me curious about you
10:34     maybe it’s as basic and superficial as
10:37     hey where you from now I might not
10:41     reveal all this but what’s probably
10:42     going on is hey I don’t know you and I’m
10:45     a little uncomfortable with you and I
10:48     don’t like that like all my friends say
10:49     you’re a great guy and I would love to
10:51     get to to be comfortable around you but
10:53     I feel kind of unsafe and so I’m hoping
10:55     that if I can develop some rapport I’ll
10:58     be a little more comfortable were you
10:59     from and that’s really long-winded for
11:05     something that that light but but look
11:07     for this it’s what I call the feeling
11:09     under the feeling when I’ve done this in
11:13     my past in my practice I found that
11:15     looking for this feeling under the
11:17     feeling I find it and that actually has
11:22     me getting my world better and my self
11:27     awareness goes up it also when I’m
11:29     naming things like this it’s sort of it
11:32     it puts some Shung some sunlight on it
11:35     and I become a little more comfortable
11:37     with it and I become a little less
11:39     ashamed of some of these things and
11:40     actually in time I become more
11:42     comfortable with myself by revealing
11:44     these things that are going on last
11:48     little story I want to tell I was in a
11:51     tea group with a few people and there
11:53     was this woman who is sharing a bunch of
11:55     stuff and it was beautiful it was really
11:56     nice there’s a guy next door and he said
11:58     you blew me away
12:00     and for me that was like like there was
12:04     some that was pretty that was kind of
12:07     beautiful and you could tell there was
12:08     something going on like I’m pretty good
12:12     at reading people and I know this guy
12:14     and so I knew what was going on in
12:16     history in his history and and what like
12:19     I knew
12:20     facts about the the thing that he was
12:22     feeling and it kind of looked like
12:24     colors better here kind of look like
12:26     this picture I knew what was going on I
12:29     know what’s going on in this picture
12:30     it’s flowers it’s a seascape but it was
12:34     kind of that that level like I’m curious
12:36     about you level reveal and I was I was I
12:39     was wanting to see more and we were in
12:41     this practice and so I could ask him
12:43     like can you reveal more about that and
12:46     he did and it was it was beautiful
12:48     like when he started really going into
12:51     all the stuff that was going on for him
12:53     inside you could see like the emotion
12:55     play across his face he could see stuff
12:57     coming into his eyes there’s a little
12:59     bit of tear so you could hear his voice
13:01     waver a little bit like listening to him
13:04     my Mirren’s
13:06     my mirror neurons started firing and I
13:09     felt what it was like for him to feel
13:12     blown away and in that moment when he
13:15     was really describing what was going on
13:16     for him deeply my life my experience of
13:20     life changed from this level quality to
13:23     that quality from that quality which is
13:26     what it was normally going on to this my
13:28     whole existence sort of got a little bit
13:31     more vibrant and this is what I’m one of
13:35     the things I’m really wanting to the
13:36     reason I’m here is because this is what
13:40     I want in my life
13:41     I want to be around people that reveal
13:44     at this level of depth so that I can
13:46     feel my life around them this vibrant
13:49     and we’re relational leaders and we take
13:52     we’re the ones that people are looking
13:54     up to and so if we can take take this
13:57     idea reveal yourself deeply reveal
14:00     yourself first talk about yourself if we
14:02     can take this and reveal what’s really
14:04     going on for us the people in our lives
14:06     will have their experience go from this
14:09     to this and they’re going to want to say
14:11     what is that I want more of that
14:13     and so we by revealing ourselves more
14:17     deeply and more often in first we can
14:20     have the people around us feeling like
14:23     this and then they take that out and
14:26     they bring that into their otherwise and
14:28     it’s simple here’s what we do ready this
14:32     is what I’m feeling this is what’s
14:33     really going on for me thank you
14:38     [Applause]

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Tim has been practicing and teaching interpersonal relations and communications skills since 2006. He leads the esteemed Boulder T-Group community and has taught circling and relational leadership for the Integral Center and C4 Institute.

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